Here’s our latest conversation with our new doctor…
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste any on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; that like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take naps.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more goodness. Beer made from grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. Seem like perfectly balanced ratio, no? Balanced ratio like this come from balanced diet, like nice sandwich in each hand.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is, No pain always better than some pain.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Absolutely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! Chocolate best feel-good vegetable on planet!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, please explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is good shape! Everybody know round. Strive to be person who is perfectly round!
For those of you who watch what you eat, here is the doctor’s logical final advice on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting nutritional studies.
1. Japanese people eat little fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexican people eat lot of fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Chinese people drink little red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italian people drink lot of red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. German people drink lot of beer and eat many sausages and fats and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.
LOGICAL CONCLUSION: Might as well eat and drink what you like. Has to be speaking English that’s killing so many Americans.
[Sent to us by one of our subscribers]
As always, posted for your edification and enlightenment by
NORM ‘n’ AL, Minneapolis